Journal entry from a random note book ... Autumn 2020

I have just found this journal entry in a random note book, and it really made me sit up and listen. Its now January 2024, and the words below must have been written during the autumn of 2020 because that was the period when I mediated regularly for 2 years. Finding this entry reminds me how powerful meditation can be to focus your mind for just a short period of time every day and reminds me that with daily practice, I am in control.

I am half way through a day to myself. I am sitting on a bench in St James Park, I am 44 years old and I have never let myself do this before… just to sit and breathe, drink in the atmosphere, and listen to the world go by.

I’m surprised by how different it feels to not be in my own local park and how differently the wildlife reacts to those around. You see, I’ve been meditating every day for the past 5 months, just a little time in the morning and the evening, and I think its finally starting to pay off.

I have always lived in my head, in the past worrying about the future, negative thought programmes installed from childhood, programmes I did not choose. I have often wondered about the messages I received as a child from the world around me and overanalysed my thoughts to the point of confusion, where I realise I am not living my life for me but living a life I imagine others think I ‘should’ be living.

I catch these thoughts now as they arise, and it surprises me that I can hear my true voice coming through much clearer, gently reminding me that these thoughts are not true and that I am not, in fact, my thoughts. It’s almost like a true best friend pointing out how absurd it is to listen to the bully in your head.

I feel so incredibly grateful that I can finally hear her, and it’s helping me to feel that my heart is now open to the things that can truly change for the better.

My phone battery has just died, and I am in bliss, I have no idea what the time is and I cant be contacted but i know i’m not far from home, and my kids are safe

I am safe

Its been a long time since I felt my mind quiet; in fact, have I ever felt this way? I’m waiting for my sense of urgency to kick in and for the fear to rise, but it just passes. to acknowledge the move, the shift, and rejoice in this new sense of self