Yesterday I Reached Out & Touched A Friend : 2020 journal

Yesterday I went for a walk with a friend and her dog, I picked up the dogs toy and threw it; she was ok with that… but I cant throw to save my life so the toy went in the completely wrong direction, we laughed at my lack of coordination, I felt embarrassed but not stupid, and she was standing too close my hand went out and landed on her shoulder and I haven’t stopped worrying about it since… I know it was her shoulder, she isn’t likely to reach her tongue down and lick it, I didn’t cough on her or near her, my hands we’re clean, and I’m well and everyone around me is well but she instinctively said ‘you’re not supposed to touch me’ not in an malicious way at all, there was no sadness no argument, it wasn’t even mentioned again… except internally, in my head over and over and over, just writing this its clear to me that I am totally devastated, concerned, and worried and I regard myself as someone who has been working hard to stay super strong for the past 3 months. I have a rational mind, or at least felt I did. Its brought up so many worries

In my work I touch people, skin to skin, massage is inherently close contact

How will I actually cope with going back to work?

What mental impact will it have on me? on my clients? on everyone?

Is this the end of my business completely? will I ever massage again? what are the future legal implications?

It brings into clear focus just how heartbreaking this whole situation is for hands on therapists all over. Our livelihood is based on human touch, without it what do we do? Who are we?

That that one little touch could see me unravel so much is heartbreaking.