upon reflection ... PERI Menopause thoughts : Journals 2020 … I ca…nt string a sentance

I can’t lie, and I won't; these last few months have been excruciating. Between lockdown and securing a safe, long-term place to live has brought me to the very end of my teether. I’m usually able to be practical and pragmatic about situations, full of ideas and ready to help when I can in my own way. But these past few weeks, I have felt truly lost.

Now in the grand scheme, I know there are worse situations I could be in; we are, thankfully, not in immediate danger, we are not fighting for our lives, we are not facing major adversity, in general life is pretty straight forward, and yet I am sinking. I write this not for you to feel bad, for attention, a cuddle, a pat on the back, or for you to reach out, but for posterity. In a way, I know I will turn the corner and things will feel better, but I also know that this is different from my down moments in the past. I want to remember so that when I feel better, I can use this for the future to help myself move forward.

My thoughts are not coherent, I burst into tears for no reason, I wish for something terrible to happen, so I have a real reason to feel so distraught, and I'm also aware that this is not all I want to happen. I just need something I can explain that doesnt make me sound insane, that people can understand, break a bone, etc. it takes time to heal, break your mind… not so easy to compartmentalise.

I want to be able to explain the grief that I feel right now for my own self, the loss I feel for loosing me and the worry that I wont be able to find me again and the shame of feeling this way when I have so very much around me that shines.… because thats how it feels, like my heart is breaking, like everything I am doing is wrong, like everything I have done before is wrong…

I will be alright…

I feel like I have been abandoned by everyone, not real, like I’m holding on my the smallest of threads, when it break I don’t know where it will lead … I have ideas … I cant string a sentence together. I stop midway through a conversation because I cant remember what I’m saying or feel the situation is wrong….

I dont want your sympathy ….

I want to talk, hug you, I want to be able to let this out

but I don’t want to talk because I don’t want to let this out, I will not be able to stem the flood, I will drown everyone around me with this grief … I am not my thoughts, I am not my thoughts, I am not my thoughts